Chariots of Fire (and Mire)

Within the cavernous coliseum of the 2012 women’s football season, dozens of chariots prepare for a jeopardous race. In an event both brutal and swift, the drivers behind the reigns of their respective teams are hoping their horses can survive the contest and its trials. Everywhere, practice jerseys make way for brilliantly hued gameday threads, and un-fallowed game pants are pulled over girdles. The war paint is on and the mission is clear – be the last one standing on the track come July.But in the crowd, chalices are raised and bets are placed. Still, as the wine flows so does the rumor mill of the coliseum’s future. As a historian of these great chariot races, allow me to present my own bets, and dispel some of the pre-commencement discussions.

RUMOR 1: League Merger: False, but very much in the works.

 In the foreground of this topic is the flamboyant businessman Mr. Vasker, who was previously behind the supposed 2011 merger movement with the backing of his company, Artfest International. Along with his partners, Vasker has proved to be one of the most mysterious and controversial people in professional sports. His big push is the “UWFL”, which promises to unite women’s football under one roof and secure coveted air time contracts for select match-ups. It sounds good on paper, but Vasker’s original plan had teams footing the bill–hundreds of thousands of dollars large. The deal is currently being re-worked, and Vasker is reportedly still peddling for sponsors and contracts. He’s either the savior of women’s football, or its prodigal son.

Behind the scenes, big names within the leagues are still hard at work looking for a way to bring the three heads together. League contracts and player protection plans are all being drafted. I can’t tell you who, or what, or when (and least of all WHY), but there will be some major complaints from small market teams that are used to the old rules of women’s football. I’d feel sorry for them if they weren’t the same teams that forfeit and fold with the frequency of Tebow’s name being uttered on Sportcenter. I want everyone to be able to play the game, but the Northern Alabama Boll Weevils will not likely put our sport on that same show.

RUMOR 2: NFL affiliation: False.

Wish I had better news for you, but an attempted deal with the big boys was cut short because of–you guessed it–a lack of unity. Apparently the contact delivered the news by saying it would be too difficult to sponsor our seperate branches. I’m guessing that means they weren’t even inclined to choose one over the others.

RUMOR 3: IWFL scraps Tier system: False.

The discussion over drying up the tiers was again derailed. Teams will still compete regionally and across tiers, but the playoffs will have the same format, and two IWFL champions will be crowned.

Now that the mythic underlay of 2012′s offseason is in the dust (other rumors are too silly or controversial to comment on), it’s time to focus on thundering, helmeted hordes: the championship hopefuls.

In the WFA, it’s difficult to bet against the champs. Boston returns a roster with very minimal changes and a few solid additions. However, my heart is in Chicago. Yes, I believe the heavily hyped under-achievers of 2011 are due for an appearance in the show. And I think they may face a repeat American Conference opponent—San Diego. San Diego has made several key additions, including IWFL & Team USA standout Knengi Martin at DE. If the Surge abandons their reckless anti-special teams mantra, they could be the ones hoisting the trophy. Expect Dallas to make a charge (as their smart ownership and PR work keeps them hot every season), even though their defense has lost some of its youthful spark. New York should make a heartened effort to succeed in the post-season, but their ultra tough divisional area makes their progression unlikely. Jacksonville, or the ‘Littlest Big Guy’ as they are considered, could actually surprise some people if they can make it past Miami with more momentum than last year. As per always, the playoffs should see some less-than stellar attendees due to those weak divisions in the South, Northern Mid-West and Northwest.

From the back of the darkhorse pack, I’m picking the heavily rebooted Columbus Comets, which features some of the best coaches in the nation, and could absolutely slay a few Goliaths and get deep in the playoffs. If they have managed to improve their offense, the heavy-handed Western Michigan Mayhem could knock some contenders from the fray. The upstart West Coast Lightning, an evolution of the dissolved So Cal Scorpions and other fragmented Southern Cal teams, could be a startling shocker (pun intended) in the West if they can up-end the Surge and Bay Area.

The power-packed Chicago Force have my vote.

Sadly, not everyone appears to be moving in the right direction. As is often the case in women’s football, the wheels appear to be coming off for many. Florida seems to suffer from TMTS (too many teams syndrome). Though we don’t appear to have the population for 7 teams, we also can’t justify the lengthy trips up 95 and 75 to conjoin anyone. Many call for the union of nearby teams like Jax and Orlando, as well as my own Palm Beach with our bitter rival Miami. Oddly enough, the biggest stability problems are in places like Tampa (who have JUST changed their name to the Inferno) and the Gulf Coast Riptide. More likely Southern folds are the Carolina Raging Wolves and the Atlanta Phoenix, the latter of which will undoubtedly live in the shadow of the IWFL’s champ Ravens until they take the bait and jump on the wagon. Up North, the Southern Tier Spitfire has rekindled their franchise, but may give up the fight soon—they are without a website and schedule at this time. The San Diego Sting clings to life out West at the feet of Cali titans. Upstart Tacoma Trauma is in for a tough year…with two 17-hour road trips to Utah and a small budget; they should probably be in the IWFL, with teams like Portland and Seattle to showcase against. Their roster is also unusually small, but I respect them for having the guts to make it happen and play the game they love in the league they believe in.

I certainly can’t seem to think about the successes of the season without a few picks from my heart. The Arkansas Wildcats might be the best bunch of people I’ve ever met—hard workering players, fundraising phenoms, and coaches that would do just about anything for their team. Under new ownership and sporting a sprightly name and logo makeover, they have all the makings of a darling Hollywood-caliber underdog. With a big-armed quarterback and some speed injections, the Wildcats could be the team of the future. I’m also a big fan of the Indy Crash. Indy, whose super-confident veterans led well into the playoffs last year, deserve a repeat appearance in the final rounds. Their roster treats football like life, not a hobby, and I’m ever-impressed with their well-coached group of athletes. Of course, seeing Cinderellas in the show is like expecting lollipops to rain from the sky and rainbow-haired ponies to sing showtunes. But hey, a girl can dream.

The fun-loving Wildcats could turn some heads this year.

Keep an eye on the newborn Utah Jynx and Derby City Dynamite. Both teams have some nice sponsors behind them and some pretty keen-minded owners. They also value the much-ignored importance of the pre-season scrimmage (ever heard of that, people?) and a hefty amount of intense pre-season practice. Both also have some fresh graphics and technology at work; many mock my confidence is cemented by a team’s website, design, and social media efforts, but  where there is a professional appearance there is money and business sense.

In the IWFL (which has already penned 4 games in week 1) I ostensibly expect the Atlanta Ravens to repeat. Mashonda Gilmore might be the smartest owner and businessperson in the entirety of women’s football, and she has put together another offensive nightmare for her opposition. The Ravens defense will also be as tough as ever, and her 60-woman roster should stand the test of the year. Montreal will likely make a strong run for the title (narrow victors in Week 1 over the sturdy Intensity), as will the always-impressive Carolina Phoenix, who showed some serious beef by shelling out to travel to Philly for their season-opener AND SHUTTING THEM OUT. The California Quake has lost some bite to local WFA teams, but should still do well. Portland has rebooted their defense, but still has major gaps (including special teams) to iron out, and Seattle (34-12 over Modesto) will also be strong Western Competitors.

My darkhorses in the IWFL are the Connecticut Wreckers and the Northeastern Nitro. If you’ve forgotten the story behind the Conn Wreckers, let me refresh your memory: when the Northeastern Nitro left the WFA, they moved to New York. In their wake, the Wreckers set up shop for the Conn girls unwilling or unable to locate. Both of these Northeastern teams should be strong enough to make a show in the playoffs.

The IWFL will likely see some folds this year. The Carolina Queens always seem to pull off a decent season, but the seemingly super-powered ownership & coaching of the Phoenix will likely make a move to absorb them if the merger talks move forward or the Queens struggle with sponsors. Arkansas Banshees are a mix of rookies and WFA Wildcat dropouts. They will have a hard time getting a foothold in the IWFL, and will be traveling to some tough Texan teams. Fortunately, most of the forfeit-fond strugglers of ’11 have gone the way of the buffalo, strengthening the IWFL, but I’d like to take a moment to mourn our fallen franchises, two of which are dear to my heart. The dearly departed Monterrey Black Mambas: the only Mexican team in all of North American pro women’s football. Perhaps it’s my appreciation for my own Mexican heritage, or my support of the IWFL’s international football mission, but I bow my head for you. The Mambas will be playing two games this year against the Houston Energy, so I can at least cross my fingers for an improbable and unconscionable upset. The Chattanooga Locomotion: a long-standing and much beloved Tennessee troop, battling constantly against an abandoned Southern region. A dear friend from Team USA helped introduce me to their dedicated and innovative ownership and team, as well as their grassroots football mission. They will be playing one game against the Banshees. I certainly hope these young ladies can pull it together and return in 2013, as the IWFL plans.

A fresh face in the IWFL is the Arlington Impact. With a big market and big aspirations (as well as some former Diamonds & Mustangs in their ranks) they could do some damage.

Discipline & training are never scarce in Atlanta.

Say what you will about the IWFL—the “baby in the corner”, the stalwart merger-fighters, the continuants of the much-defamed Tier system—they continue to provide a professional image and are constantly working on new product partnerships and PR opportunities. Their front office certainly boasts some enviable business minds, which any Mega-League brain-stormer should seek to include.

Expect to see some highly unusual things this year: shortened seasons for some small-market teams, wacky playoff formats for both the WFA & IWFL, and out of league play for both leagues within the enigmatic WSFL, which I will be discussing next week. But as the chariots begin a-racing and the rumors continue to swirl among the crowd, one truth remains unquestionable—there will be harrowing hits, vexatious controversies, narrow wins and unsung heroes amidst every league, every team, and every showdown.

Chalices up…I’ll drink to that.

Legends of the Summer

“At last, my love has come along.”

Only six remain in the hunt for history. Though footnotes in the sports media’s annals at present, this season could prove to be monumental in the progress of women’s football on the national stage.

The Boston Militia roll into Dallas confidant and hungry. As they prepare to defend their title, they have the comfort of knowing they’ve done it all before. Most of the Militia are reported to be injury-free, so their massive 59-woman roster will be a sight to see (I would be shocked if more than four girls no show). Add to that 8 All-Americans, and 4 Gold Medalists, and you have one of the scariest rosters in the league.

Don’t get me wrong–I didn’t expect to see them in the Ship, but after battering the Chicago Force, the far-and-away favorite for this season, I simply can’t avoid picking them.

As much as I love the Surge's story, I can't bet against the champs.

That being said–if there is anyone in the league that can beat them, it’s San Diego. A true underdog story (and a success of modern marketing/recruiting), the upstart Surge has to be the sentimental favorite around the country, but they are by no means a meek challenger. 10 players over 230 pounds (including 3 over 300) make them one of the largest teams in the country up front. And they just-so-happen to boast the 2nd scoring-est offense in the league.

“My lonely days are over.”

This game will be very close, and probably high scoring. Either way, I would be stunned if it doesn’t end up being one of the best football games I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, on the IWFL, the Tier I and II stages are set. Though there were far less contending for the twin crowns, and the Tier II competition came from the same divisions as I, both games should be fairly entertaining.

I’m very nervous about my original Championship pick. As much as I admire the Ravens and their enviable history, the California Quake has been punching people out all year. They manhandled the Wisconsin Warriors after a cross-country hike, and I suspect they will come into Round Rock guns hot. In the end, I will bet against my instincts here and take the statistical favorite. The X-factor of finances could be part of why Atlanta pulls it off (after a costly trip across the US, the Quake may have trouble with the Championship price tag).

Atlanta should have just enough footing to survive the Quake.

The Tier II match-up is much more difficult to predict. These teams have never faced each other before, so there’s no history between them. I’m impressed by the way Seattle fared against Tier I teams like Portland (including a 12-6 OT loss) and Sacramento (15-0). New England has also looked fairly good this year, and has been a traditionally solid team throughout their existence. Statistics reporting in this league is…inconsistent…so it’s hard for me to give a solid run-down of the team. What I do know is Seattle has speed and power in the skill positions, and New England has a pretty tough pair of lines and a lot of veterans. Expect a close game with some surprises.

The speed of Seattle will challenge New England's intensity.

On a technical note, I hope all teams will aspire to the website quality that San Diego, Boston, and the Quake are displaying. Function, aesthetics, and ease of navigation are all superb. We’re taking steps towards history, so everything helps.

“And life is like a song.”

Unclaimed Fortunes

In every corner of our world there are the unexpected victors; the underdogs, the statistic beaters, the playmakers. It’s the incalculable ability to defy expectation that makes people a lot of money in the world of betting. There could be some big odds beaters after last’s nights WFA games, but I’d say the biggest winner is the women’s football community as a whole.

I was speechless when I saw the scoreboard this morning. KC–upset in Dallas. Chicago–beat up at home by the defending champs. Jacksonville–dominated in their house by an unlikely Indy Crash. Only San Diego managed to keep it together. I expected a close one out of the Tribe and Diamonds, but Dallas hanging on speaks volumes about their maturity, especially on defense.

Picking between Dallas and San Diego gives me chills. Frankly, at this point, I don’t have a clue. Boston is obviously on a mission to remind everyone that they are who they say they are. We all liked the Force to win it all, and the conqueror of that Goliath is a fast favorite to beat Indy and go to Dallas at the end of the month. You may as well flip a coin to pick these last two games, but know this: if Dallas makes it to the championship, I imagine they will hoist the trophy playing on their “home” turf (it is Lone Star’s stadium, but still).

What all of this really means is that women’s football is no longer the story of the haves and have-nots. Make your case for a lack of parallelism in both leagues, but it is vital to the success of our game for the “any given Sunday” mantra to ring true. In order for our sport to be marketable, it must be watchable…and what is more watchable than a 10-point favorite going down at home in the playoffs?

Playmakers make all the difference. Big time defense could pave the way for a Dallas hometown Championship appearance.

That, my friends, is good television. The games weren’t on last night, but they should have been. I ended up having to flip between 1999 episodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “World’s Worst Weather”. Imagine if there had been a marquee football showdown on ESPN 2. Who wouldn’t watch a tough, unpredictable, passionate Dallas defense going big to defeat an offensive powerhouse, or witness a first-year Indy Crash earn the right to be mentioned with some of the greatest teams in women’s football history?

Now the powers that be in the sports media world can understand that our sport is both competitive and entertaining. So I challenge you WFA: let’s have an equally shocking and down to the wire finale to our season, because the more waves we make, the more likely someone important gets doused.

And the Beat Goes On

The bass is pumping and the pads are cracking, and steadily, teams are preparing themselves for the big dance. But instead of flooding Macy’s, we’re all flight hunting and weight training. This year’s WFA festivities look to be a weekend to remember, including a very interesting “Women’s Football Combine”. I can only guess it will be a sampling of stars from across the country already in town for Saturday’s annual All-American, and a mixture of some local Dallas talent. I expect anything from a 40 yd. dash to a vertical leap, but I’m crossing my fingers for some imaginative drills and a lighthearted atmosphere.

Another interesting aspect is three different featured hotels, one for the American Conference champs, one for the National Conference champs, and one for the All-Americans. This kind of separation is pretty cerebral in it’s hatching, since it will successfully isolate the big show’s participants from the revelry of an All-Star weekend.

So far I'm right on, but narrow victories by Chicago and Jax are making me nervous.

The KC-Minn showdown was ugly as expected. They now head to a Dallas team that didn’t hang much on Houston in Round 1.  I expect a KC road win, and Dallas will likely search fervently for skill during the offseason to account for their low scoring ability. This game will be close.

Boston grabbed a quality road win over the Divas. They head to Chicago, who nudged past an excellent Passion team. I stand by a Force victory, but this could be a bracket buster, as the Militia is hungry for a repeat. I see Chicago putting up 300 plus pass yards to make it happen.

Indy manhandled a weak Heartbreakers team, proving very little. They head to Jacksonville, who had more trouble with the Fury than anyone expected. That slim margin was likely due to Miami’s physical and penalty-ridden style of play, but I expect the well-oiled Dixie Blues to have a pretty win over the Crash.

The Bay Area Bandits handled the Fighting Fillies nicely, but the San Diego Surge will likely dominate this home game much like they did in Round 1 with a beat down of the Silver State Legacy. The Surge is extremely talented with tons of speed on offense, and could secure a surprise invite to Dallas.

If you're looking for a darkhorse, the Surge could be just that.

If you’re wondering why my IWFL predictions have been less than steady, look no further than the nature of this league this season. With so many forfeits, such large talent gaps between adversaries, and such poor stat reporting, it’s nearly impossible to get a read on these matchups. As frustrating as it is, I’m very pleased with some of the contests I was wrong about.

An updated bracket; I've also changed my tune regarding the Quake due to the massive travel they will be facing.

In the Tier 1 bracket, the Cali Quake and Wisconsin Warriors took down the Sirens and Shockwave, respectively. I see the visiting Quake falling in the next round, but expect them to exact some casualties with their punishing defense (which I believe will be a difference maker in the Championship).

Wisconson Warriors 28 California Quake 20

My game of the week for the next round is right here in the IWFL, with the Carolina Phoenix heading into Atlanta to face the very solid Ravens (Xplosion). If you don’t know the story of the Phoenix, here is it. Though their first three seasons look stellar (5-1 – X team, 7-2 Tier II, 8-2 Tier II), they were a very unbecoming team to most onlookers. They were sloppy and unimpressive at times, nearly losing to our rather lackluster squad here in Palm Beach in 2009 (they pulled it off 14-9 when we failed to score in the waning seconds). Since that season, Carolina has transformed itself into one of the fastest and most clutch teams in the entire country. I think the deciding factor will be experience, as Carolina has only gotten to play 4 games this season thanks to the meek Carolina Dixie Belles’ and defunct Georgia Stingerz’ forfeits. Though Atlanta also played a partial season (5 games), they are plethoric with highly athletic veterans.

Atlanta Ravens 30 Carolina Phoenix 27

I still like my Champion pick (ATL) but see them facing off against the Warriors instead of the Quake:

Atlanta Ravens 39 Wisconsin Warriors 27

Our Tier II bracket had two surprise victors in the first round (Chattanooga and New England), which have affected my picks. In the Modesto-Seattle match, I still like the Majestics at home. They have some serious playmakers on both sides of the ball, and Modesto’s offensive inconsistencies scare me away from them.

Seattle Majestics 18 Modesto Maniax 12

As New England heads to Chattanooga, I’m tempted to pick the Locomotion because of the road trip and some very minimal statistical reporting for the Intensity (not to mention a sentimental favoritism for the ever-resilient Southerners). I’m going off of proclivity and taking New England in a nail-biter.

New England Intensity 21 Chattanooga Locomotion 20

In fact, I think New England will win big in Round Rock, and I wish I could tell you why. They are historically good and have a lot of All-American picks, but mainly, this is based on instinct.

New England Intensity 21 Seattle Majestics 12.

So dance we will; some better than others. While the victors will be breaking it down surrounded by cheering peers, both the fallen and the wallflowers will sadly spin their corsages and sigh. And I will be heading to Dallas to play in the All-America game and cover the WFA Championship weekend–I’m hoping I get a chance to bust a move of my own.

The Race to the Ring

The floor has gone un-vacuumed for weeks. The kids are whining, because you’ve forgotten all about their summer camp registration. And the ghostly hue of your skin is evidence that tanning has taken a backseat. Yes indeed, we’ve been grinding through the last stages of the women’s football season, and everything else is just life.

We’re mired with little injuries and even the trainers at the gym think we need a break. But baby, this is us. The playoffs are here, so don’t expect a brake check until the trophies are in the air.

It’s supposed to be a happy poem, but it feels like a eulogy coming from my mouth, since Palm Beach was one win away from the first playoff appearance in our history. But the show goes on, and the recompense is much more than your average “National Championship”. No folks, this year the winner of the WFA crown will be the sweetheart of all women’s football, for the age of a united front of football seems very imminent.

Here. We. Go.

And here are my bracket predictions (please forgive the quality — EZAW is on a tight budget!)

I see a rematch for KC in Dallas on July 30th

I don’t see a lot of surprises ahead for the WFA playoffs. As much as I’d like to stand by my halfway point pick of the Tribe, I don’t think there is any team in football that can handle the Chicago Force. I’m a witness to this tremendously talented roster, for several of their players were in Sweden with me, and each of them was a big part of our domination of the world. They lead the league in rushing (when you have Springer, how can you not be) though the Tribe leads the league in passing. The Tribe also has a statistically superior defense, and two of the league’s reception/TD leaders at receiver, but Chicago should have enough fire power to take care of business. But remember, a lot can happen in women’s football, and if finances get tight in Chicago, there could be some players unable to make the trip.

WFA Championship: Chicago Force 42 KC Tribe 35

The Tribe fell 26-34 in the regular season.

Other hot teams that could surprise: Pittsburgh, Jacksonville, Tribe, Dallas, San Diego.

If you’re surprised to see 4-4 Atlanta and Portland in the playoffs, remember the WFA operates on a strict Division standings system with no Wild Card teams. Weak Divisions happen, thus such .500 teams often trip their way into playoffs in many sports (via 2010 NFL  Seahawks: 7-9). The divisions were incongruous (some with 3 teams, some as many as 5), but since travel cost is often a factor, that is to be expected (notice I didn’t say understandable).

A few playoff spots came down to a nose. The North Central bracket was between the leaders of the North Central 1 Division (Indy) and that of North Central 2 (Detroit). Since Detroit played the full 8 games of their schedule (6-2), it seemed sensible they would get the bid (Indy only played 7 games for whatever reason–ending up 5-2). However–Indy DID beat the Dark Angels in the regular season, and has a higher ranking (#17 vs. #27) in the Zermelo rankings, which is likely why they ended up in. Similarly, the South Central, Gulf, and South East Divisions of the American Conference shared two slots. Dallas secured one slot with their undefeated record, but the other slot came down to Houston and Memphis (both 6-2), who didn’t face each other in the regular season. Both played Dallas and lost, but Houston was much closer to the Diamonds. Houston also has a higher EZ ranking (#12 vs. #26). It didn’t come down to points scored/allowed, for Memphis had the edge. Memphis’ site claims to be “Division Champions”, but Houston is in the playoff game…an interesting situation that I would love to hear about! Another very narrow slot winner is the Silver State Legacy (6-2) who edged out the Arizona Assassins by a margin of 2 points (via head to head scores). I think all of these are moot, due to the powerhouses they will be facing.

The season’s folding buzz has some serious shockers, namely the So Cal Scorpions. This hurts, because So Cal has been a relatively consistent competitor since 2002. The rise of the San Diego Surge and other top Cali teams is certain to be part of the decision. Another team that appears to be done is Tulsa, who closed their season with three straight forfeits. Since their team owner also has two other franchises on her plate, it’s likely she spread herself too thin (I’ll touch on this again in a forthcoming blog about forfeiture). On the edge: Spokane Scorn, Los Angeles Amazons, Acadiana Zydeco, Kentucky Karma — all four looked shaky this season, with big losses, forfeits, and players voicing their concern for their leadership.

The IWFL is still breathing, but their brackets speak greatly of the difficulty they’ve had making this season happen for their remaining teams. Here are my Tier I and II brackets with predictions.

July 30th will be a busy weekend, for the IWFL has chosen to compete with the WFA's showcase event.

The IWFL’s remaining teams chose to retain the Tier system this season, landing the leader of each Division in a Tier 1 slot, with the 2nd place team in each Division filling a Tier II slot. Sadly, one such Division playoff game has already been called, with Madison forfeiting to the Seattle Majestics. For more info on the Division Champions, head to the IWFL’s site.

Due to the large amount of forfeits (even from some very good teams) in the IWFL this year, I think the home team will dominate the first round. The only road teams I see winning in the first round are Baltimore and North Texas, who I believe are the better teams.

IWFL Championship – Tier I: Atlanta Ravens 38 Wisconson Warriors 30

IWFL Championship – Tier II: North Texas Knockouts 52 Seattle Majestics 28

I can’t even begin to mention all the teams I see folding from the IWFL this year. I would expect at least 8 teams to not return. Likely candidates: Carolina Dixie Belles, Palm City Firecats (apparently now a sixxes team), Southern Maine, and Georgia Stingerz (although a rep from the Stingerz did tell me they will return next season).

So stay tuned for more playoff coverage as the big games begin this weekend. I for one will do my best to make it to at least one of the championship weekends. And please don’t bet your child’s college fund based on any of my predictions. They’re already mad enough about summer camp.

Judge In-jury

How the world detests a deserter. In love, war, and sports, can one think of anything worse? There are degrees of abandonment, certainly. Defecting to the enemy is the most vile of all sedition. Wordless disappearances are perhaps more tolerable. Still the sins remain the same–cowardice and disloyalty.

We may be wearing football pads instead of armor, but the deserters I’m talking about are still culpable for many a lost campaign, and countless fallen comrades. These are the perjurers of pain…the liars of languor. Yes, I’m talking about the fakers of injuries.

When you're beaten and bruised, do you charge forward, or run for the hills?

I’ve had the pleasure of playing against some heroically tough men and women throughout my 20 years of competitive athletics. There was a young man who lost his helmet, had his jaw broken and tooth knocked out from a hit, yet finished the second half of the football game (as a freshman equipment manager, I was drenched with admiration…and similarly soaked with blood). I also played hockey with a woman who played an entire game on a broken leg: unbeknownst to everyone until a week later.

My greatest feat of doggedness may well be the National Women’s Hockey Tournament of 2008, where I goaltended 3 games despite an undiagnosed case of mono (along with a nice strain of the flu). As delightful as it was, I like to keep my superhuman feats of toughness to a scant minimum. Injuries and illnesses are a part of sports, and some people were simply built to withstand more than others.

When the men went off to war in Ye Olden Days, surely there were a few of them better suited for the back of the attacking front. No one can be blamed for being small, thinly-boned, or low on connective tissue. And there’s nothing noble about rushing at an opposing officer when the arm holding your shield is lying on the ground behind you. In other words, a torn ACL is not something you “play through”.

Before you ask, I’ve witnessed hypochondria more with men than women. Perhaps it’s an improper study, since I stopped playing men’s sports after my Sophomore year of college (i.e., men get less whiny with age or less whiny men play past that age). So why do people fake it when they didn’t break it?

There are times when people simply think they are more hurt than they are. That first sharp twinge can masquerade as a terrible tear. Once you’ve taken to the ground, it can be embarrassing to admit you overreacted. But a glare from the opposite team is hardly a lasting shame.

Others are classic narcissists, desperate for attention when their performance is not enough. These phonies are easy to spot: they are the same ones that send out those annoying chain letters at work, or shoot staples into people’s hair in class.

Yet the most advanced cases of cowardice, and maybe the most offensive, are the charlatans that take a dive to avoid taking the fall. Confused? So was I, the first time I saw a talented player stop using her crutches in an empty hallway. The truth came out later–she was sitting because she was ineligible due to poor grades. Embarrassed to admit the fact to her team, she faked a knee injury to save face–even paying for a scope on her knee that was “inconclusive”.  I’ve also seen such acts on the field and court, where a bad game  is blamed on “an injury they didn’t know about” or a player sits out to avoid continuing a bad game.

It’s a perfect crime–what kind of a person accuses Hercules of falling on his own sword? It would have to be someone who’s done it themselves! There’s no way to police these people short of obsessive espionage…but the justice lies in the agony of perception. The apostate will always be wondering which of his compatriots knows the truth, and that might be punishment enough.

What Will Become of Us?

Mirrors really are a loathsome invention. As nearly the first thing we see at the start of each day, so often our image is not as we desire. In the world of sports, taking a look at yourself and your program can be baneful when the night has left your hair stirred. In the case of the Palm Beach Punishers, as with women’s football as a whole, the picture in the mirror this morning is one of ambiguity and concern.

The lack of sleep is palpable; the bags beneath our eyes tell the tale of a rollercoaster first half to the year. A pre-season of poor practice attendance and lackluster fundraising efforts almost ended our year before it started. The numbers of both players and coaches seemed dismal for the majority of the winter. The effort peaked at the right time; a hard game in Jacksonville proved to be much less of a beating than expected, and we managed two big touchdowns and several long drives to generate some confidence within the ranks.

It proved effective, and we opened our home schedule with a deafening roar: shutting out freshman Savannah and putting up a record 38 points. We returned from two idle weeks with another home victory, this one a more nerve-racking 16-8 struggle over Tampa, putting us a 2-1 for the first time in our five-year history. As excited as we were, many players, alumni of winning athletic programs in the past, could tell there was something oddly unsettling about celebrating such small efforts. The problematic special teams inconsistencies as well as our faltering offense made the mirror both bleary and fogged.

The cracks showed against rival Miami. Though we came closer than ever with a 12-9 effort, the game was in our hands when we opened up with a well-executed 59-yard touchdown drive. They blocked the PAT, but we marched back down the field on the next series and kicked a 30-yard field goal. The lead was almost puzzling for us. We lost trust in one another, and handed the game to a crippled version of our arch-nemesis.

We’ll get another chance on June 18th, but not until we face Savannah again, here in the sweltering humidity of Southern Costal Georgia. While the rest of the world is busy quibbling over the rapture (predicted for the umpteenth time to commence today at 6:00pm), we’re trying to avoid the Armageddon of our season. This time we’re in the Sabres’ house–missing several key players and our defensive coordinator–who promises to run our defense to bones if they give away a shutout.

But somehow it seems impossible to again achieve such a whomping against the Sabres, who, despite their dismal record, have promising numbers and a solid coaching staff. With the collapse of their IWFL counterparts, it’s likely members of the Stingerz/Peachez have found their way onto the Sabres.

A fledgling O-line tries to come together, while still maturing league staff try to pursue TV time.

It’s almost as though several pieces of the picture are suspended in air, and in 4 short hours they will fall into their place. A similar image floats precariously before the IWFL and WFA’s  marketing forces. With the NFL lockout mediation still hitting snags, the possibility of an empty fall season grows. If the two sides can’t reach an agreement by June or July, the likelihood of mobilizing the manpower needed to make football happen lessens. And if TV time becomes available, and fans want football, will we make a quick turnaround to play in September?

So we dampen our dreary faces and paint our cheeks with promise. We may hate the way we look sometimes, but we can’t afford seven years of bad luck.

The State of the Game

With Week 4 of the Women’s Football Alliance schedule and Week 5 of the Independent Women’s Football League’s now in the books, the plots are twisting and the contenders are beginning to show their faces. So far, the IWFL’s former powerhouses are making statements across the board.

Standing tall are the DC Divas, KC Tribe (both 4-0), the Chicago Force, Pittsburgh Passion, Bay Area Bandits, and the Arizona Assassins (all 3-0), though Chicago has yet to be tested. The Divas knocked off defending IWFL World Champion Boston, while the Militia returned the favor to the ever-impressive New York Sharks (both 2-1).

The Kansas City Tribe: my current pick for WFA champion

At home in the South Atlantic & Coastal Divisions of the National Conference, Miami and Jacksonville boast 4-0 records, though the quality of opponents has been questionable to say the least.

Worth mentioning are Chicago & KC, who are both averaging 500 yards of offense per game. KC just racked up a mind-boggling 88 points, wherein former Team USA QB Jenny Schmidt helped amass her nearly impossible 20 touchdowns (no one else is within 10). It’s proof that women’s football is beginning to mature much in the way men’s football did decades ago–teams with capable passing offenses are throttling a traditionally rush-oriented league.

There are other signs of growth: coaching quality is on the rise as more former NFL and college players begin to drift toward the women’s game. The biggest buzz in the sport, however, is the Pittsburgh Passion’s recent live coverage by ESPN: the first in the history of the game. The Passion defeated Columbus live on ESPN3 Saturday. Not bad for a team that considered a hiatus from the whole year of competition.

The IWFL lawsuits remain a mystery, and the fragmented former titan remains functional, though many of the upstarts making up their backbone look shaky, including the Georgia Peachez/Stingerz (note following: it seems Georgian IWFL teams have trouble deciding on names) of Savannah, who don’t look like they will make it to mid-season. The attractive new website shell of the IWFL is proof that they aren’t willing to give up, although the few dominant teams left (California Quake: 4-0, Montreal Blitz: 3-0, and the Atlanta Xplosion/Ravens: 3-0) will likely destroy the remainder of their schedules and enjoy the playoffs together.

Meanwhile, in Palm Beach, we are 1-1, 5 days away from a home date with the ever-resilient Tampa Bay Pirates, who are coming off a tough loss to Miami (32-0, a far cry from the beatdowns Miami afforded their prior 3 foes). We’ve got a lot to learn, but a violent and vicious defense is a luxury we’re enjoying getting used to.

Cross your fingers for our futures, and as always–stay tuned.

Reigning Cats and Dogs

2 months ago, as I sat in Dallas, Texas watching the Super Bowl press hounds drool over second-tier athletes and part-time NFL staff, I couldn’t help but notice Mark Cuban bark and howl in yet another interview on TV. Like a pet, every business owner is different, and without proper housebreaking they can literally–break–your house.

There are the dogs–like Cuban–who bear their teeth, leave messes on the floor, and shake on your new linen pants. They are the owners who hit the bars hard and seem like (a) man’s best friend. In women’s football, these are the old-school player owners who never learned how to delineate between on-field intensity and off-field animosity. They rarely own a filing cabinet, and almost never have a business degree. And these are the owners that are hurriedly becoming homeless across the landscape of the sport, because they–unlike Cuban–can’t quite seem to bring home a ring.

I don’t mean to insult Mark Cuban. Though his snarky unprofessionalism irks many, there is something to be said about new thinking. He is, after all, working on being the sole slayer of the BCS via his unbridled use of his commodious fortune. The problem is that though many small-time owners lack the good qualities of Cuban–the money, the thinking, the media frenzy–they nail the barking, biting and destruction right on.

Smart marketing and negotiation made Sweden possible, but stale management sent IWFL teams packing.

Before I watched the Super Bowl, I saw distinct difference in the ownership of the two teams, both effective methods that would compliment any home and family. The Rooneys have a feline quality. Aloof, media shy, and content to lurk within their extensive family and their South Florida and Pittsburgh comfort zones. Like cats, they pick the spots that work for them, like a warm couch cushion or that one spot on the comforter. Sure, there are some Rooneys with claws, and they hiss at fellow politicians, but their non-controversial approach to ownership has resulted in 6 super bowls.

The other side of the Super Bowl coin was the Green Bay Packers, whose less than traditional ownership makes it one of the most unique sports franchises on the map. The Green Bay Packers are…publicly owned? That’s right–the original incorporation documents made the team a non-profit, and made any gain from selling the team a mandatory donation to the American Legion in Green Bay. This assured the club stayed in town, and in 1950, shares were sold to raise money for the team and a stadium. Another stock sale was held later, and to this day the voice of the fans is sure to be heard and the legacy certain to be maintained. The Super Bowl Champs make a strong case for the rest of the animal kingdom…after all, there’s plenty of fish, reptiles, and rodents for households not equipped for howls and meows.

I’ve played for rabid dogs and territorial cats…both have destroyed property. Across the ever-changing landscape of women’s football, it’s more important to find what works in a particular region, and with your unique group.

So whether your team is run by a dog, a cat, or something different altogether, how do you deal with the ones who just can’t please the family? Sometimes it just takes a little training; people need time to learn how to run a multifaceted business and balance an ever-dwindling checking account. But when they’ve been living in the house for years and they’re still making a mess, it may be time for a new home. To the oppressed football world waiting for a deft vanguard to take the reigns: be patient, one day you too may have a companion that can be your team’s best friend. In the mean time, clean the carpet, fill the food bowl, and learn how to say no.

Gray Expectations

The 2011 season is upon us, and all we have so far are questions, forecasts, and anticipation.

Will the WFA prove to be more competitive and franchise-friendly than the IWFL?

Will the now dwarfed IWFL survive?

Which of the 2011 hatchling teams will founder? Which will be the next playoff shocker (via Bay Area Bandits)?

How many struggling small market teams (Palm Beach sadly among them) will limp through the year unscathed?

Among all the uncertainty, an even larger quandary: will Team USA make it to England in October?

What former IWFL powerhouses will shine against new WFA competitors? Which will be upended by WFA flagship darling teams like the Lonestar Mustangs?

If the NFL locks out, can the WFA secure television time, and would the teams be prepared for a one-month off-season & turnaround?

And when, oh when, will we all be united?

Stay tuned. It all begins now.